So About Will and Jada...

I want real love, dark skinned Aunt Viv love
That Jada and that Will love
That leave a toothbrush at your crib love
And you ain't gotta wonder whether that's your kid love

No Role Modelz by J. Cole

Whew chile… an entanglement, tho?

As with everything in life, there is always something to learn from any situation. I’ll stay away from the gossip and dive into some of my key takeaways for myself from this whole Will/Jada/August Alsina situation.

Quick recap: August reveal that him and Jada had an affair. Jada denied it at first. Then she admitted they had an “entanglement” while she was separated from Will Smith on Red Table Talk with Will Smith (her still husband) as cohost.

1. First, I can’t and won’t speak on anyone else’s relationship. Figure out what works for you and your partner and move in that direction.
2. Secondly, please watch the entire Red Table Talk episode. There is more to unpack there than just the headlines.
3. Thirdly, the part that hit me hardest was when Jada admitted that “it had been so long since she felt good.” Now, this is Jada Pinkett Smith. Icon. Rockstar. Life goals. Immortalized in a J.Cole song as 1/2 of the type of “love” others aspire to have. Jada and Will looked great in pictures together over the years. The smiles seemed genuine, but there is always more to pictures. That is why it is important to develop your own model for the relationships you want to have with others and never judge from appearances. The title of the song, “No Role Modelz” is aptly applied here.
4. Fourthly, I appreciate that both Will and Jada did this interview together. It is important to show up for each other even when things are hard, inconvenient, or just plain embarrassing. And they approached it as a conversation that I’m not sure many others could have had in private, much less in a public forum. It was nice to see them own their own shit, so to speak. They understand that love can be messy and they have both played in that pigpen.
5. Jada mentioned that her and August’s relationship first started when she took him under her wing to help “heal” him. On the subject of healing, from my perspective is that there is no way to “heal” other than individualized, personal acceptance. Healing = Individualized, Personal Acceptance. Every other method of healing is either a mask – a way to cover up your hurt, pain, failure, disappointment, and grief from yourself and others, or a method to focus – an activity to make space for healing (individualized, personal acceptance). You can temporarily forget these experiences but your brokenness will always creep back up on you just when you think you are finally past it. The only way to heal is to learn to live with that brokenness, to take ownership of it, and to realize that the hurt is a part of you, but not what defines you. It just exists. Healing is not about getting rid of the brokenness. It is about accepting it and creating a mosaic out of the broken pieces.
6. Lastly, you also cannot heal others. You can only point out how you or others have approached the journey to healing, but ultimately, a person must heal (accept) themselves. If you find yourself trying to heal someone, that action is usually a proxy for you trying to piece together the brokeness within yourself. If you find that someone is trying to heal you, they are looking to make you codependent. The best you can do for others when it comes to healing is to be a “method to focus” – to provide space for them to do that self-discovery, reflection, and acceptance. To me, anything else, however well-intentioned is a form of control.

Key takeaway: Be there for your partner when things are both good and when things are painful. Turn your brokenness into a mosaic through acceptance. That’s true healing.

P.S. Yes, the memes from this are hilarious.