Duane's Perfect (Don't Debate Me) Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Recipe

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches go back centuries in my family. Personally, I have over three decades of experience in this space and had PB&Js in more than 4 continents (fancy way of saying 5). I've tried every combination of the sandwich, ate every pre-packaged offering associated with it and am a master of every "cooking" technique used to bring this staple of American cuisine to life.

My love of PB&J goes so deep that my first ever post on Instagram is that of PB&J (I'm not making this up).

In short, I'm what you might call an expert on the art and science of the crema de maní et gelée (yes, that's PB&J written in Spanish and French to sound more fancy).

This is my (now not so) secret recipe to making the perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Duane's Perfect PB&J

Ingredients

• Bread: Pepperidge Farm Farmhouse® Hearty White Bread
• Jelly Jam: Actually, never use jelly. Only use grape jam because of the increased spreadability (and no, we don't do anything other than concord grape jam because every other flavor is inferior). The best jam in the business is Smuckers Jam Concord Grape (Again, this is a fact. It has 4.8 out of 5 stars on Amazon if you need additional proof). Dickinson's Pure Concord Grape Jam is an acceptable alternative also, but more expensive.
• Peanut Butter: Don't do crunchy. Just don't. Jif Creamy Peanut Butter is the only way to go. It's the most lush peanut butter you can buy (again, 4.8 out of 5 stars on Amazon for the non-believers).

Steps

1. Take out two, non-end slices of the Pepperidge Farm Farmhouse® Hearty White bread.
2. With a butter knife, spread the Jif CREAMY peanut butter (don't you dare use crunchy) on one slice of bread. You want the bread well covered, but not too thick (it's classier that way).
3. Next, with a spoon, scoop out some Smuckers Grape Concord Jam onto the other slice of bread. Please note that you want it well spread, but again, not too thick. Half of the jam will just fall out of the sandwich when you try to eat it if you use too much. ALSO NOTE THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER USE THE SAME UTENSILS FOR BOTH THE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY. IT IS A CRIME AGAINST ALL THINGS GOOD IN THE WORLD AND IT MAKES THE SANDWICH SAD.
4. Put the two slices together, perfectly aligned with the peanut butter and jelly touching. When done just right, the sandwich will emit a warm glow, birds will start chirping in the background, and Sade's Cherish the Day will begin playing through your favorite speakers.
5. Eat the sandwich with the jam side UP (you don't want peanut butter stuck on the roof of your mouth). There's also another advantage of this technique - jam (or jelly) side up allows your tongue to taste the saltiness of the peanut butter first followed by the sweetness of the jam. It just tastes better that way.

Crimes Against PB&J:

1. Never ever ever ever use the same utensil to scoop both the peanut butter and jelly. You don't want bits of the other to end up in the containers. Everyone in the world is worse off when you do this.
2. Using wheat, rye, or any other "healthy" bread. You may cite health reasons or you may have particular allergies, but just don't it to yourself. Make any other type of sandwich with that bread, but not a PB&J. Some acceptable alternative breads to try are King's Hawaiian sliced bread, potato bread, oatmeal bread, or Texas toast.
3. Using almond butter (or any other nut butter). It's not AB&J. The "P" is there for a reason. Please note, that if you have a peanut allergy, it is still worth risking your life to experience Duane's Perfect PB&J sandwich. You'll thank me in the afterlife.

Acceptable Additions:

1. Lightly toasting the bread or putting the sandwich in the microwave for 7 seconds (exactly) before eating. I don't like it toasted, but if you do, it should be the slightest of slight toasts on it.
2. Adding plain potato chips to the sandwich (though I prefer mines on the side).
3. Removing the crust. I like the extra flavor from the crust, but I can understand removing it.

Again, this is not a debate. This is factually the perfect PB&J sandwich after decades of intense, in-the-field research.

You might make a different version of this sandwich, but it's not perfect. On a 10 point scale, the highest your approach can reach is 10. This is an 11.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk. Enjoy your PB&J. 🧮

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For the history of PB&J, view the The Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich for Grownups video in Friday's Too Good Not to Share (2.11.22).

Also, I would never lie to the people, here's my first ever Instagram post.